


so once in a while, we can meet with a smile

by kangyounghyunbrianae (unhoelyaeri)



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 19:58:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17372333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhoelyaeri/pseuds/kangyounghyunbrianae
Summary: Call it a moment of weakness but he’s allowed to have that right? We all can’t be strong enough to accept the fact that your ex boyfriend clearly moved on while you’re still hoping for something that’s never going to come back.





	so once in a while, we can meet with a smile

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AFanOfTheEXO](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFanOfTheEXO/gifts).



The phone call was unexpected.

 

It never even crossed his mind—the fact that Brian would call ever again, that he would get to hear that deep but smooth voice of his, and that he would once again be greeted by that playful hello. It was needed, craved even—yet it hurts all the more.

 

“Jae, hello.”

 

Formal. Distant. Strangers.

 

Jae tried to keep his tears at bay, to make sure his voice was stable before replying. Damn it, it’s been a year. Brian clearly moved the fuck on, he should too. He’s been wallowing in self-pity for months, staining his pillows with tears while clutching the old and only hoodie Brian left in his apartment. It’s _pathetic_ , really but he just couldn’t do it.

 

He couldn’t let go—not just yet.

 

“Brian.” He made sure that his voice held anything other than pain even though his eyes were glassy at the first syllable the younger uttered. It was so good to hear his name from Brian’s voice.

 

“How are you?” Brian asked.

 

_Well, I haven’t slept well since you left. I also haven’t been eating and taking care of myself like you used to. I was never good at it, you see? That’s why I had you. You know me better than I know myself. I am fucking miserable while you’re probably doing okay. Is that what you want to hear?_

 

The words were at the tip of his tongue, itching to let themselves out. But instead he chose to be the fucking martyr he was and laughed good naturedly.

 

“I’m doing fine. Fine as I can be, how about you?” He added a chuckle to impose his own version of being _fine_.

 

It was painful. Laughing even though his throat was closing up on him, his eyes were a second away from crying, his heart breaking as he swallowed the words he actually wanted to say. It’s a great torture method—talking to someone you love while trying to hold yourself together so you could not hurt them or make them feel guilty.

 

Jae’s priority had always been Brian. That had not changed—not now, not ever.

 

“I’m okay, I guess. Listen, _hyung,_ I wanted to ask you if you wanted to get coffee.” He could detect the careful tone on Brian’s voice. A tone he would use when he’s not sure about something—Jae used to compare him to a rabbit who would  hide as soon as another creature made any wrong move. Just like a rabbit, if Brian sensed hesitation from him he would immediately cancel this _thing,_ whatever it was he was trying to achieve and say sorry for bothering him.

 

And Jae for the life of him, couldn’t let this opportunity pass by. It could very well be the last time they would see each other.

 

So with a smile he said,

 

“Sure.”

 

—

 

They decided to meet at the coffee shop at the end of the road, a place they used to frequent in back when they were together. Brian fell in love with the place at the first sip just like Jae fell in love with him the first time he saw him smile after taking a drink of his coffee.

 

He never went back here on his own, too scared of the memories—scared of tainting them with painful and bitter tears that would inevitably cloud his eyes.

 

Instead of getting a table inside, he settled on waiting at the pavement even though it was cold. Brian said he was on his way and to Jae that meant the younger just woke up, and was probably running around sniffing which of his clothes didn’t smell like garbage and could pass off as decent.

 

He couldn’t help but smile to himself as he remembered a distant memory of a late (yet again) Brian wearing his hoodie.

 

_Jae had been waiting for thirty minutes and his impatience showed on the way he repeatedly tapped his foot on the tiled floor of the cafe. Thirty minutes ago, Brian also texted him that he was on his way._

 

_Jae should have called bullshit, the younger never showed up on time._

 

_He took a sip of his now cold coffee and just as he put the mug down, an arm wrapped around his shoulders and a kiss was left on his right cheek._

 

_He turned to face a smiling Brian. And God, Jae almost forgot why he was angry in the first place—that smile never failed to make his stomach do somersaults. His eyes moved to the green hoodie Brian was wearing— his hoodie to be specific._

 

_“Is that mine?” he asked with his brows raised. The chuckle that escaped Brian’s lips was enough confirmation to his question. So that’s why he couldn’t find the damn thing inside his closet. Brian walked to the seat in front of him and stopped when he noticed the cold coffee sitting atop of the table._

 

_He frowned then proceeded to pout when Jae said nothing and in turn looked away from him._

 

_“Hyung, I’m sorry for being late. Are you mad at me?”_

 

_Jae was not. But a little acting won’t hurt._

 

_“Will you always be this late? It’s our anniversary today, I thought you’d at least make it an exception but no.” He didn’t raise his voice nor did he look towards Brian, fearing that the wounded puppy look would make him break._

 

_“I—” Brian’s voice faltered. He sounded so small. At this, Jae finally met his gaze._

 

_He was shocked to see the other looking down and fidgeting with the ends of his—no, Jae’s hoodie. He felt the guilt eat him up, why did he think it was good idea to prank Brian again? The other never did like being late but couldn’t help the tiredness he feels because of his school works. He and Brian talked about it before and the younger should know by now that Jae understands._

 

_He stood up and sat on the empty chair beside Brian. He held the younger’s hands tight as if to reassure him that Jae was just being an idiot and that he’s not being serious about this stuff._

 

_“I’m not actually mad, you know? I thought you’d call out my acting.” He frowned and wrapped his arms around Brian’s shoulder, pulling him in. For someone who’s a bit crazier than him, Brian sure did have moments like this—soft, pure, and just small. It’s the times like this that he remembered the fact that Brian was actually the younger one between the two._

 

_“I just—you were right. It’s our anniversary and I still managed to sleep in. I’m sorry about that.” He twisted his body so that he was facing Jae and wrapped his arms around the taller’s waist. He hid his face at the crook of Jae’s neck and for the next few minutes they remained like that while Jae was running his hands through Brian’s hair._

 

_“I don’t want to spend the day like this. Let’s not be sad baboons on what should be the happiest day of our lives. I’m sorry for the prank but that was it, just a prank. You don’t have to be sorry for working hard, babe.” Jae whispered after quite some time._

 

_Brian pulled away from the embrace, only to leave a peck on a bewildered Jae’s lips. He smiled cheekily before standing up and going to the sort of stage at the cafe. Jae saw him talking to the owner of the cafe who then proceeded to get the guitar displayed on the wall._

 

_What the fuck was this idiot doing?_

 

_Brian walked up to the stage and tapped the mic twice. When everyone turned their attention to him, he gave them all a smile before speaking._

 

_“Hello, I’m Brian and over there—” He pointed to Jae who froze at the attention that was suddenly directed to him “—is my boyfriend Jae. Today is our anniversary so I hope you don’t mind me playing an original song that I’d like to dedicate to him.” He obviously managed to charm everyone who smiled at the sweet gesture of the mysterious boy in front of them. Jae shook his head, a fond smile taking over his face._

 

_“You’re an idiot.” He raised his voice so that the whispers wouldn’t drown his words. Brian turned to face him._

 

_“I’m your idiot.” He winked. Jae blushed at that, while the people inside the cafe laughed at the two’s antics._

 

_“This one’s titled “Man in a Movie” and I dedicate this to the tall, thin, blond guy by the window seat who made me feel as if my life’s a Nicholas Sparks movie.”_

 

He didn’t think about it before but Nicholas Sparks’ movies always had a whole lot of tragedy in it. Brian was right to have likened their relationship to that kind of movie. He was too immersed in his thoughts to notice the sound of footsteps nearing him.

 

A snap in front of him effectively ended his trip down the memory lane. He raised his head and met Brian’s gaze.

 

He looked _different._

 

His pink hair was now dyed to black and it was longer, he looked tired but good—so damn good in his black button up and ripped jeans, Jae couldn’t help but just _stare._

 

And then _that smile_ came and everything came crashing down on him.

 

Jae had his moments where all he could do was cry. Cry at the fact that the only sure thing in his life ended abruptly. Cry over Brian’s good morning messages that stopped coming since a year ago. Cry over the smell of his hoodie that Jae clutches whenever he misses the younger. Cry over memories, photos, over every fucking thing they used to have. But it was never that long, minutes later, he would convince himself that it wasn’t worth his tears.

 

Right now, Jae was seconds away from crying but he couldn’t—not now, not when he finally got to see that smile again after a whole fucking year of just staring at Brian’s photos. Not now, because he knew that if the first drop fell he wouldn’t be able to stop. His chest hurt a lot, he couldn’t breathe because he felt like someone was choking him as some sort of punishment for not letting himself feel the pain he’s supposed to feel.

 

So instead, he smiled. He smiled so that Brian would feel at ease with him. He smiled so that Brian wouldn’t feel any guilt for wanting to be free—free of him. He smiled because this might very well be the last time they’d see each other face to face.

 

Jae would smile for Brian and for what’s to come for the two of them.

 

“Hello,” he greeted with a chuckle even though his body just wanted to surrender to the pain that’s engulfing his whole being.

 

“Hi, Jae,” Brian replied with that smooth voice of his, he also waved a little and that succeeded on getting a laugh out of Jae. He just looked so awkward and instead of torturing himself with pain he chose to just laugh it out.

 

“Don’t look so awkward now, it’s not like we’re ex boyfriends or whatever,” he joked. Now it’s Brian’s turn to laugh. Jae was hurting everywhere. He missed hearing that.

 

He missed Brian.

 

“I missed your jokes.”

 

_I missed you._

 

“Yeah, me too,” he replied.

 

“What?”

 

“What what?”

 

“You’re still so weird.” Brian chuckled fixing the stray strand of hair that made its way in front of Jae’s face. He froze at the action and Brian did too. If it was a year ago, it would be natural for him to do that, Jae had always had a messy hair that flew everywhere even with just a small breeze.

 

But now, it was gut wrenching that Brian looked so horrified and uncomfortable. Jae understood that it was a habit, Brian really was the sole reason why Jae looked so presentable sometimes. But what he couldn’t understand was how something that used to be so endearing could be dreadful the next minute. How something one loved about someone could easily be the reason why they would fall out of love with them.

 

He held Brian’s frozen arm who’s still hovering in front of his face and gently tugged it down, not letting himself hold it any longer or else he probably won’t let go.

 

“And you’re still way less awesome than I am, let’s go inside. I’ve been standing here for minutes, it’s cold man.” Without a glance or another word he went inside hoping that Brian was still following him.

 

The cafe looked exactly the same as it was a year ago, except for the fairy lights that now hung on the wall of the stage. It made the cafe look cozier and instagram worthy.

 

He took a seat by the window after ordering a hot chocolate. After a minute of staring outside as the cars and people passed by, he heard the chair being pulled out in front of him. Brian sat in front of him. The sight brought him back to so many memories of having coffee together during study dates, anniversary dates, and even normal ones.

 

This time around he chose to let the silence stretch out between them, it was better than saying the wrong thing and seeing Brian flinch again.

 

The younger didn’t seem to share the same sentiment though because he cleared his throat to get Jae’s attention.

 

He shifted his gaze from the window to the raven haired in front of him. Brian smiled at him before sitting back, relaxing on the familiar chair that had doodles, lyrics, poems, and _their names_ on it. He thought the owner would replace it by now.

 

“I’m happy you came today,” Brian told him, quiet, serene, and genuine. Just like how he always was. Jae only smiled in return.

 

_Today I will smile, for you I will. Even if I have to pretend, I will smile._

 

Words were filling Jae’s head as the silence stretched out between them. Next came the melody. Jae wasn’t that much of a songwriter because that had always been Brian’s hobby but spending time together with the man taught him a few things. It taught him that he was much bolder in songs.

 

“What’s the reason for all of this?” he asked, a bit blunt but he was itching to know. He wanted to know if the budding hope inside his chest should be extinguished as quickly as possible or if there actually was a chance. Jae _needed_ to know so that he could at least prepare himself this time around.

 

“I’m going to be honest and say that I actually don't know,” Brian replied, looking down. Jae hang unto the last bit of uncertainty behind Brian’s voice.

 

_Please tell me you want to try again. Please tell me you still love me._

 

“I guess I just wanted to see you—be friends with you again.”

 

There went his hope — down the drain, flushed away.

 

It was like free falling to his death. He didn’t know that his pain could get any worse than it was before but it certainly did. Jae returned his gaze to the window and fixed his stare at the couple walking in front of them. He let a tear fall for a moment.

 

_Call it a moment of weakness but he’s allowed to have that right? We all can’t be strong enough to accept that fact that your ex boyfriend clearly moved on while you’re still hoping for something that’s never going to come back._

 

“We can do that, right?” Jae quickly wiped the tears that fell from his eyes before returning his gaze to Brian whose head was still down, looking every bit of unsure. Jae clapped his hands and forced a smile to his face so that he could get the younger’s attention.

 

“Of course we can,” he replied through the sound of his heart breaking.

 

With that, the last piece of the song his head had been making this whole time came to him. He didn’t know what would happen after but he knew he needed to let Brian hear this.

 

Without further words he stood up and talked to the owner and borrowed his guitar, the very same guitar Brian used to borrow to serenade him on his hardest nights or even on normal nights.

 

Jae hoped that this song would finally let him move on. Let him _let go_ of a love that’s been left in the past, in the old paintings of the wall that was now repainted, in the chair that had doodles on them and clearly needs a replacement, in the hoodie that should be returned by now, in the messages that should be deleted, in photos that should be locked away, in the heart that used to love him but now found peace.

 

Jae would let go, but after he sang this song to Brian.

 

He stood up on the stage, a spotlight on him. He gave the curious audience a smile. He couldn’t help but wonder how many more of this he could give before it all becomes too much.

 

“Hello, I’m Jae. And I’m going to sing a song that I came up with minutes ago. Actually no, this has been a long time coming but the final piece came to me today. Let me dedicate this to that guy over there.”

 

He pointed towards a confused Brian. He smiled towards him as if to placate his confusion.

 

“Brian, the greatest love I had, I hope you listen to this song and know that for you, I’d always _smile_.” He added a wink for good measure, keeping the atmosphere light. Brian’s chuckle was almost rewarding, if not painful.

 

He started with a few strums, building up the intro. This would be good with a keyboard or a beat but Jae had to make do of what he has now. Then the words came out,

 

_It’s been a while_

_I didn’t think you’d call first_

_“If you’re free,_

_Let’s meet up”_

_How can I say no to that?_

 

He never looked away from Brian whose eyes widened when the meaning of the song sank in. Jae could see the pain cloud over the younger’s eyes and he tried to let him know through his smile that,

 

_It’s okay. It isn’t your fault that I’m still hurt. I just wanted you to know. Please don’t cry._

 

_It’s half excitement,_

_Half fear_

_Because what if_

_You notice_

_That I still miss you?_

 

Brian’s eyes were filling with tears just as Jae’s eyes blurred. It was hard to admit all of this but singing about it made it possible. Singing made it easier for him to admit things than just talking about it, in songs he could directly imply it unlike with words that he masked with sarcasm and jokes.

 

_But today, I smile_

_Even though it hurts, I smile_

_In front of you_

_I pretend that I’m fine_

_I pretend that I’m okay_

_I have to_

 

He sang this as if he’s trying to make Brian understand. It would hurt but Jae would always smile for him.

 

_I smile, I smile_

_So once in a while_

_We can meet with a smile_

_I must smile, I smile_

 

_‘If being okay with whatever this was would mean that I could see you again, then I would smile. I’d smile as if I’m not breaking inside Brian. I need you to understand that.’_

 

He looked down refusing to hurt himself even more by staring at the shocked and crying Brian. When he ended the song he looked up to the sight of everyone crying with him, as if they could feel the pain he felt just now.

 

He turned to look at Brian and was rewarded by a sweet smile even though his eyes were filled with tears. At this, Jae broke down—letting all the tears he tried so hard to keep at bay, just fall freely.

 

_His smile was still so beautiful, painfully beautiful._

 

It was a perfect ending to their Nicholas Sparks kind of story. A period on all the stretched out sentences they tried to keep going. A smile to end a supposed tragic story.

 

Because Jae and Brian would never want to be normal, safe, or cliche.

 

Instead of tears and hate, of bitterness and resentment. They would rather end it with a smile, it would be difficult—so damn difficult, but the next time they would meet it would get easier.

 

Until one day, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a drabble but surprise. 
> 
> also, thanks to my own 'j' for editing this fic 🤙


End file.
